It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
