At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's never too late to be topless.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
