I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
