That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
