you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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