Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
