I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
