also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
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Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
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That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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