You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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