so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
