I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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