I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
