Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
