My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
