If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
