Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I could make wine with my vomit
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
