Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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