After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
