There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
