you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
