my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Randomize
