so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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