Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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