I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
