everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
