You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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