Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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