I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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