so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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