I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
