We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
