I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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