We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
