I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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