Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
