Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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