Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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