I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
