have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
