does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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