What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
