i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
