When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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