rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
