When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
