I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
