the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
