I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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