My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
