I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
