My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
