We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
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For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
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So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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