Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
