did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
